I’ve been hurt by this farm. Really hurt. I’ve been bitten, butted, cut, scarred, and brought to tears from pain, stress and exhaustion. This happens over and over and I’m always alone. There are things I won’t blog about because I don’t want my mother to worry. There are things that happen that terrify me.
This year was the hardest yet. I planted my largest garden ever, raised the most animals, and took on more work and personal projects than any sane human being should. Now that the year is almost over, and the south side of October is days away, I can let out a long sigh and tell you it was all worth it. I found a balance in it all, kept my blinders on, and everything got done. The garden was tilled, weeded, and harvested. The two-week-old goat kid grew up into a spit-fire. The young birds are almost full-sized chickens now and the rabbit doe is due to bear kits any night. Yes, the hive was lost. And yes, I failed the sheepdog I once called my own, but you’ll have this from time to time. And you and I don’t have enough nights to list my faults. There are many, some are awful. Trust me.
If you read this blog and find it overly positive, dramatic, or analytical: that’s because writing about my choices is my daily therapy. I don’t see a shrink–I write to 40,000. Sharing my stories and photos on this blog is like a long exhalation. I depend on the people who read this because in the shower I lose count of the cuts and bruises and I want to know they belong to something bigger than my body. All things considered, I am quite small.
Some nights I barely fall asleep, isomniatic from worrying about the delicate balance that is my work life, family life and farm life. I am so grateful for Jazz, my old dog, who looks at me every day like the wise bodhisattva that he is and I will never be. A good dog can walk up to you, slowly, one paw in front of the other, and sit down next to you with great stillness. I feel him lean into me and I realize I’m not the only animal on this farm. I am never alone and it is bigger than us both. He rests and lets me scratch behind his ears and only when he knows I understand the world again, pads off. Jazz isn’t my child and he isn’t my pet either. He’s a good dog. Nothing more.
For quite some time now, people without dogs seem broken to me.
I am a farmer without a farm, a shepherd without a sheepdog, and in love with this big, stupid world without a lover. That’s fine. Sometimes I foolishly think everything would be better if I had a mortgage, a collie, and a man. But I know myself well enough to see the idiocy in such black-and-white thinking. I know better. We all know better. Maybe these things will come or maybe I’ll be hit by space trash tomorrow. It really doesn’t matter. It’s the wanting that fuels us. It’s the hope. That desire to attain the life you want, whatever it is, and to fold your ears back and run into the wind like you’re in harness–is life. Cold Antler farm isn’t a place–it is an idea. Knowing I want it means I am already home. Actually getting there, is moot.
Read more from Jenna at Cold Antler Farm
Photo by JOANNA CHATTMAN