Start the Seeds Already

Reader Contribution by Angela Pomponio
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The first warm days of March have come.  In with blustery rains, sunshine, one rainbow so far and of course my completely irrational euphoria.  Despite telling myself that I am crazy and to stop it, I switch my internal control to ‘spring.’ A winter spent diligently, delightedly, reading my back issues of Mother and every homesteading memoir or how to book known to modern man; in two warmish weeks has given way to manic chronological list making. I am operating as if our McKinley expedition departs next week and I have the nagging feeling that I have missed some obvious key piece of the plan than success hinges on.

To be fair, planting seedings before the garden fence is up amounts to laying out a buffet for the deer. As I lay in semi sleep consciousness this morning berating the daylight savings system mentally and figuring out a way to start my year of regular running by facing the treadmill later in the week, fear crept in. Maybe it has been there ummmm, let me see, my entire life. Ok, a life of honesty and authenticity is what I work for every day so: I have been occupied with worry, doubt of my own worthiness and plagued by an inability, or at least unwillingness, to accept credit for my accomplishments for the length of my memory.

I choose to no longer agonize and dissect my childhood hurts and malformations, my years of miserable self destruction and its predictable results, but instead realize that for whatever reason my heart woke up one day. The spark of me never went out. It is the spark I recognize in my little boy, usually if I have been too harsh. I see that little light, asking for nothing but a little shelter from the wind and glowing steadily through all kinds of assaults.  That unwavering warmth inside never leaving, just waiting patiently for a little tinder and recognition of its existence. My little spark refused to be damped. When I realized it was still glowing, all I know is my life turned into a quest to nurture that warmth and goodness.  Clumsy at first, and often still, my actions and thoughts are part of a journey meant to shelter and celebrate that light.  Not a candle lighting ceremony to celebrate the existence of me, but a kind ritual keeping of the flame to provide warmth and sanctuary to my community.  

Living in harmony with and recognition of my spirit, values and without sacrificing those for a ‘normal’ life is what drives me. Now when a decision doesn’t sit well, when money is tight(er) than usual and I look with panic at going back to work and utilizing daycare, when I semi wake in the weak March sunlight with unnamed weight pressing my chest down it’s time to find a clear line of sight to my light.  What is bothering me and why?  

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