The Last Laugh: Funny Tales from MOTHER EARTH NEWS

MOTHER EARTH NEWS has the last laugh with these short, funny stories and jokes.

| September/October 1976

  • 041-186-01
    Jokes and humor from MOTHER EARTH NEWS.

  • 041-186-01

Although few folks know it now, Davy Crockett—in his day—was famous for a whole lot more than fighting Indians and getting himself killed at the Alamo. He served as both a magistrate and representative in the Tennessee Legislature before being elected to three terms as a U.S. Congressman in the late 1820's and early 1830's. And Crockett generally won those elections because of his frontiersman's ability to take a known fact—say, Franklin's experiments with electricity -- and then embellish it into a droll, yet highly imaginative, tale peppered with mispronunciations and coined words that more than likely he made up as he went along ... as reported in this 1846 reprint of one of his stories:

Thar war a feller in Washington that put the thunder and litening into glass bottles, and when a feller had the roomatiz, or the Saint Vitals dance, he would put the axletressity into his corpse fist like pouring whiskey into a powder horn, and it cured him as clean as a barked tree. So I seed how 'twas done and intarmined whenever ennything aled me to try it, only I didn't keer about the bottles, for I thort I could fist as well take the litening in the raw state as it cum from the clouds. I had been used to drink out of the Massissippy without a cup, and so I could take the litening without the bottles and whirligigs that belongs to an axletressityfying macheen.  

It fell out that sum two yeers arter I had ben to see this axletrissity, I got a leetle in lope with a pesky smart gal in our cleering, and I knowed it war not rite, seeing I war a married man. So I combobbolated on the subject and at last I resisted that I would explunctificate my passions by axletrissity, so it must be done by bringing it rite on the hart and driving the love out of it.  

So I went out into the forrest one arternoon when thar war a pestiferous thunder gust, and I opened my mouth so that the axletressity might run down and hit my hart, to cure it of love. I stood so for an hour, and then I seed a thunderbolt a cummin, and I dodged my mouth rite under it, and plump it went into my throte.  

My eyes! It war as if seven buffaloes war kicking i n my bowels. My hart spun round amongst my insides like a grind stone going by steem, but the litening went clean through me and tore the trowsers cleen off as it cum out. I had a sore gizzard for two weeks afterward, and my inwards war so hot that I use to eat raw vittals for a month afterward and it would be cooked befour it got farely down my throte.  

I have never felt love since.  


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