American Humor: The War Against Squirrels Ruining Birdfeeders

The Last Laugh column shares MOTHER EARTH NEWS reader submitted American humor. The author's uncle watches as his yard is destroyed during his war against squirrels ruining birdfeeders.


| December 1996/January 1997



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It was getting personal. The squirrels, bored with plundering the bird feeder, decided to dig up the new tulip bulbs Uncle Joe had planted.


ILLUSTRATION: DARREN THOMPSON

Last Laugh shares MOTHER EARTH NEWS reader submitted American humor with other readers. Dan Bova tells the story of his crazed uncle and his war against squirrels ruining birdfeeders. 

Man Straight Jacketed After Attempting to Detonate Stick of Dynamite Strapped to Birdfeeder 

No, this headline has not yet appeared in any local Long Island newspapers, but it'll come soon if my uncle doesn't resolve a crisis that would have him tearing out his hair if he had any. For the past year he has been dealing with a problem that has plagued mankind ever since it started building bird feeders: the damned squirrel.

To protect the identity of my Uncle Joe, I will refer to him here as "the crazy guy with the stick." After 60 years living in Canarsie, Brooklyn (not unlike Walden Woods, if Walden Woods were made of cement and hot garbage), then mild-mannered Uncle Joe and Aunt Betty decided to move out to their version of woodland paradise to get back in touch with Mother Nature.

His first endeavor in the wilds was the construction of a cute little red birdhouse with a hand-painted sign reading Home Tweet Home. He proudly nailed it to a tree, filled it with birdseed, and retired for the evening, knowing that he had done his part in the care and preservation of our winged friends—"bolds," as he would say.

He woke up the next morning to a discovery as horrifying as finding a horse's head lying in his bed. The roof and one entire side of his brand new cute little red birdhouse had been chewed apart by some horrid beast that had eaten all the birdseed. The mauled sign now read "...eet...me." That was the moment Uncle Joe died and "the crazy guy with the stick" was born. He used to run with a gang back in his day, called the Fancy Boys or something, and he knew a challenge when he saw one. It was time to go to war against squirrels ruining birdfeeders.





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