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THE LAST LAUGH

WELL SIR, THE PLUMTREE CROSSING Cuspidors took the field the other day to warm up for a summer softball game. Ott Bartlett grabbed the mound. As he pegged a practice pitch to catcher Newt Blanchard, he said, "Remember Smoke Taylor? His pitching arm was so dangerous even the NRA wanted to license it."

Newt caught the horsehide, flipped it back and said, "One batter tried to argue about a sizzling strike Taylor threw. He said, 'Ump, that one sounded high.' "

"Yep," Ott Bartlett agreed, hurling again. "Some rookie once went to the plate against Smoke. There were two outs, so he asked his manager what to look for in that situation. `Something white coming through,' was the reply."

Newt snagged that throw, and returned it with, "They say a batter in an evening game once stepped up to face Smoke and lit a match. `Why'd you do that?' the catcher asked. `Can't you see him good?' `Sure,' the batter answered, `I can see him. I just want to be sure he sees me!' "

Just then, young Billy Parsons stepped up to the plate to take a few swings.

"What about Wagon Tongue Malley?" said Ott, slabbing a slider towards the plate. "He's the only slugger I ever heard of who hit the ball over the Mickey Maris Fried Chicken sign."

"The Mickey Maris Fried Chicken sign?" swung young Billy Parsons, falling for the sucker pitch.

"Yeah," Newt said as the ball met his mitt, "the one that said, `To get a better piece of chicken, you'd have to be a rooster.' "

Ott got the apple back and wound up for a number two. "He gave all his bats names. Lazarus, for instance."

"Lazarus?" said Billy, missing the curveball.

"For when his team needed to rise from the dead," said Newt, returning it.

"Had another bat called Dr. Obie," Ott zipped with a number one.

Billy connected on that one. "It delivered!" His hit rainbowed out to Lafe Higgins in left field. While Lafe was waiting, he said, "What about the outfielder Big House Morton? That guy could sure cover a lot of ground—without moving!"

Lafe caught the ball and lobbed it over to Jervis Jarvis, playing center gardener. Jervis noted, "They say Big House once went into a restaurant and ordered everything on the menu but 'Thank you for dining with us.' " He flipped the ball to his brother Jorvis in right.

"Yep," said Jorvis, skipping the rock back to the pitcher. "His manager once said, `Big House is improving in the outfield. He hasn't caught a ball yet, but he's getting closer to them.' "