The Plowboy Interview: Elisabeth Kubler-Ross

Article Tools

Image Gallery

Print

E-mail

Comments

RSS

After visiting him, I asked his wife exactly what kind of assistance she'd need to be able to continue keeping her husband at home She said, "I need someone who can take care of my husband from 8:00 p.m. to 8:00 a.m. every day, so I can go to bed and not have to worry all night." Well, I went on to teach my scheduled workshop and met a wealthy American there who had "workshopitis" that's what I call the attempt to grow and become spiritual by attending lots of these sessions. When this man told me that he really wanted to help humankind as I had, I informed him that his first job was going to start that Friday night, and would entail 12-hour shifts with no pay.

That workshop member reported to the needy family on Friday, stayed with the ALS lawyer until he died, and everyone involved was immeasurably happy about the arrangement!

PLOWBOY: But the average family doesn't have Elisabeth Kübler-Ross around to hunt up idle, noble-minded helpers for them.

KÜBLER-ROSS: You don't have to be Elisabeth Kübler-Ross to do it! Ask around! Spread the word to church groups, the scouts, or whatever organization you're affiliated with. There are always people who want to do some service work and be needed. Look ... you'll find the help you seek.

PLOWBOY: Elisabeth, what should people do for themselves once they've lost a loved one?

KÜBLER-ROSS: First, you should prepare before the person dies. Face the fact that you won't have your next of kin forever, and realize that now is the time to say the things you want to say before it's too late.

To put it simply, if you love somebody, tell them ... then you can skip those schmaltzy eulogies! When the person dies, you will have grief, but not grief work. PLOWBOY: What's the difference between those two emotions ... and how does a person deal with each one?

KÜBLER-ROSS: Grief is simply natural sorrow, and the way to deal with that is to let yourself cry. Eventually, you'll heal ... if you give yourself the time you need to be sad and remember and mourn.

Grief work, on the other hand, involves the fear, guilt, and shame you have if there are things you think you should have done for the dead person but never did. The only way to get rid of those feelings is to share them with somebody you really trust. If you discuss the shame and guilt honestly, it will likely be followed by a tremendous flood of tears. Then all you have to do is to forgive yourself, and you'll be able to let go of the feelings. If you can't get rid of that emotional pain, though, you probably have a need to continue punishing somebody ... most of the time, yourself. And that wasted energy will eventually make you ill.

RSS | Comments | E-mail | Print