HOW I ALMOST MADE MILLIONS (AND NEARLY SAVED AMERICA FROM THE DROUGHT)

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But wait . . . aside from asking for a commission on the water conserved, I'd naturally expect a 10% cut on the sales of the valve itself. At $20 a unit times 100 million, my take would be a round $200 million! The figures were so astronomical that I became afraid to tell anyone about my invention. Just consider . . . how could I be sure the patent lawyer wouldn't have me erased when I explained my idea? How could I even trust my best friend with the concept? How could I get a manufacturer to develop the valve without the risk of being measured for a new pair of concrete shoes while he or she prepared to rake in my money?

Despite such fears, I forced myself to take a train to Washington, D.C. and the Metro over to Crystal City in Alexandria, Virginia . . . to the home of the U.S. Patent Office. The people there were most cordial—too cordial for my liking—and I immediately became suspicious: After all, why were they working at the patent office if not to steal people's ideas? I was assigned to a smooth-talking, shifty-looking assistant who immediately asked me about my invention.

"Hold on!" I told him. "I want help, but I don't want to tell you anything about my idea. I don't trust anybody' "

He grinned an all-knowing smile and sat back . . . seemingly willing to wait as long as necessary for me to resolve the stalemate.

After a minute or two of electrically charged silence, I tried an oblique approach and mentioned that I was interested in conservation. He sat up—fairly twitching with eagerness—and inquired whether I wanted to save land, trees, people, buildings, food, or water. I gave a start when he mentioned water, and he smirked to himself.

"So, you want to save water, do you?" the assistant asked, with the manner of a stalking puma. "Is it in garden hoses? No. Perhaps a new kind of dam system that no one has ever thought of before?" His eyes burned into mine as I sat transfixed in the chair, too shocked to move or even talk. The inquisitor went on to reel off a string of possible ways to conserve water. "Do you want to spread a thin sheet of oil on the oceans to control evaporation? No, I guess not. I suppose you might want to save water in waste disposal." (I just about fell off my seat. I hadn't said a word for ten minutes. It was the slickest interrogation I'd seen.)

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