The Last Laugh

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"The small town, I came from achieved zero population growth a long time ago. Every time a baby was born some guy left loom!"

Sam Levenson

When I was a boy I was told anybody could become president . . . I'm beginning to believe it! "

Clarence Darrow

"A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can, always count upon the support of Paul. "

George Bernard Shaw

Well sir, the changeover 'twixt one year an' the next seems to occasion all manner of goin's on . . . from one end of this land to t'other. An' you kin jist bet thet the ol' reprobates who toast their galoshes on the Plumtree Crossin' Gen'ral Store's potbelly stove ain't no exception to the rule!

Why, in point of fact, Young Billy Parsons set the whole pack of 'em off on a round of foolishness along about the first week in December. It seems the lad approached the gathered worthies one day in what appeared to be a mood of high seriousness.

"If it ain't young Parsons," Ott Bartlett spoke up by way of greetin' the striplin'. "Boy, you look 'bout as pleased with yerself as a first-time broody hen . . . which—to my way of thinkin' at least—jist ain't right in a sprout of yer tender years."

Billy didn't pay the banter no heed, howev'r. Instead—much to the surprise of the old fellers, who'd expected him to at least trip over his tongue a time er two whilst searchin' fer a snappy reply—he jist grabbed hisself a chair, leaned back, set his boots to sizzlin' agin' the stove, an' made a pronouncement:

"My friends, you're lookin' at a new man! "

"What'd you do with the old one?" Purvis Jacobs wanted to know. "He weren't hardly used yet! "

"I mean t'say," young Parsons shot right back, "thet I'm turnip' over a new leaf. As of January the first, I plan to lay offer drinkin', lyin', an' loafin'. In short, I aim to hunker down an' make somethin' of myself!"

"An' what, pray tell, has inspired yer righteous course of action?" Lafe Higgins wanted to know.

"Well, I'll tell you," says Billy, lookin' near as happy as a worm wrigglin' in loose dirt, "I been courtin' Mary Ellen Dickie—from over to Lick Skillet—an' I figger my New Year's resylution jist might be the thing thet'll lead me 'n' her all the way to the altar! "

Now as you kin imagine, the very subject of matrimony —'specially matrimony spiced with a liberal dose of personal reform—were a reg'lar call to arms fer them orn'ry ol' coots . . . an' they didn't waste a lick of time in draggin' out the heavy artillery, neither!

"Did I ev'r tell you 'bout the time my Uncle Estes up an' got hisself hitched?" Ott asked the gatherin'. To a man they shook they heads in the negytive, an' the of boy begun to hold forth . . . after takin' a slug of Purvis Jacobs's best memory enhancer, an' handin' the demijohn over to Young Billy (who did look at the jug a mite longin'ly, but passed it on untasted nonetheless).

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