THE FLYING OZONE RANCH'S UNPATENTED SKYWAY OF DEAT

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FLIGHT INSTRUCTIONS

First off, don't expect any reassurances from me. You knew this thing was a killer when you built it and you're already in over your head. All I can do now is pass along a few tips that-if observed-will virtually (note the emphasis) guarantee you against any kind of crippling injury. If you're crazy enough to actually use the Skyway Of Death you've just constructed, however, all bets are off. I assume no responsibility from this point on.

THE TAKE OFF: First, tuck the retrieval cord into your back pocket. Then grab the handgrips. (And grab 'em only all-byyourself-alone. Never attempt a tandem ride. We did ... once ... which resulted in our skyway's only serious-as in "hospitalizable"-injury. You've been warned.)

Second, check to make sure your flight path is clear (blackberry bushes can grow amazingly fast, as 1 painfully discovered one September morning). Then-slowly and carefully, but with an expression of composed nonchalancelower your weight onto the pulley and lift your feet. And, finally . . . as you roll away from the platform . . . scream bloody murder!

EN ROUTE: Some people like to make running motions through the air. Others just hang and scream. Whatever feels right.

THE LANDING: The fanciest skyway I ever saw had a classy spring contraption on the other end to ease each pilot to a gentle stop. Others feature cables strung out over a body of water to ensure (more or less) a soft letdown for their hapless riders.

The chances are, however, that you'll have to end your Slide Of Death the same way we do ours . . . which is, by dragging your feet. And that--ahem--leads me to a brief discussion of why the height at which you place your cable is so crucial: Put it too high . . . and only tall, heavy folks will be able to avoid bashing into the skyway's lower tree. Set it too low . . . and only the smallest and shortest in your crowd will get a decent ride. Naturally, then, it's very important that you work out a careful compromise based on the median height and weight of all the loonies who'll use your Slide Of Terror.

COMMAND MODULE RE-ENTRY: Good manners require that each sky. waynaut return the module to the launching pad following his or her flight. Injuriesunless the bone protrudes-provide absolutely no excuse for disregarding this rule.

And now you must pardon me, be. cause I've just been cleared for takeoff. AAAIIIIIYYEEEEEAAAAaaa . . . . !

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